i need to write this down to get it out of me and onto paper, because the last weeks have been discouraging, breaking, emptying, awful. (it's going to be a little graphic, for the queasy folk).
the wednesday before the gre, i had to rush Nim to the 24-hour emergency vet in cheonan at 2am. i woke to him laying on me and groaning and weakly crying. the vet did an ultrasound and saw that his bladder was full of stones and prevented him from urinating. the vet said they couldn't do anything until morning but would proceed with a blood test to see how his kidneys were functioning and inserting a catheter to relieve his bladder. he was such a little fighter.
with little sleep, i went to school the next day. and the next day. and as i was worried and stressed about the test, it was amplified by the fact that little kitty was at the vet and we didn't know if he'd be okay.
test day. test went smoothly and well, but i came out to multiple calls from the vet. not a good sign, as they had told me they were going to take the catheter out and see if he could pee on his own: and if he could i'd be able to take him home saturday night. thankfully, i was meeting semi, so she called the vet and learned that he couldn't pee on his own and they had had to insert another catheter and we needed to wait a few more days to see what the next step was. we visited him that foggy night and while he looked better than he had before, he was miserable and full of tubes. but happy to see me.
sunday was foggy and dreary and i spent most of the day in bed. monday, we visited him after school and he looked a lot happier and was very responsive to my presence. i got to cuddle him a little, but for the most part he had to stay in his little cube. i was happy to see him better and more himself. the vet sat us down and we talked logistics. he mentioned surgery but i was firm in that i couldn't afford to pay 2,000$ for a surgery. i asked him how much it would cost to put him down (if it came to that), and he looked at me and even though he was speaking in korean, i understood that we were going to fight for Nim and find a way to work out expenses. he talked with the other vets and they negotiated to give me a very large discount and that i could pay it in monthly installments. i cried out of joyed and thankfulness and appreciation. the vet was so kind and i was so excited because either way (1. he could pee on his own or 2. he had to have surgery) he was coming home.
the next few days were joyful and happy. they took the catheter out tuesday. i waited to hear wednesday. i was going to visit him with his favorite toy, but they called and said he'd been peeing on his own for 24 hours and they were going to keep him one more day for observation, but i should be able to take him home the next day, thursday.
thursday, i got a call saying he'd stopped peeing during the night and they needed to perform emergency surgery and that it was going to be a bit more extreme than the original plan because they were going to have to cut him open (they couldn't get the catheter in). i anxiously waited. but 30 minutes later, they called again. and when they opened him, they found his bladder tissue was bad. precancerous bad. and that there was very little good tissue left. they said it was hard/impossible for his bladder to contract and that there wasn't anything they could do. julie and i rushed over to say goodbye and put him down. we showed up at the vet, and horrifically, he was still open on the table. they showed me his bladder, the bad tissue, the stones. things i didn't want to see and things i didn't want to remember. i broke. i'd already broken, but i broke more. they closed him and i held his paw and pet his head while saying a tearful goodbye. and he was gone.
it's been a week now. i have regrets: i wish i'd gone on wednesday to see him, i wish i'd had a proper goodbye. i miss him, i wish i'd visited more. but i also know this: that the vet treated him incredibly well, and kept him more comfortable than i could. that we had a blissful year in korea. that he was my best friend. that he got me, and i was his human. that he loved me and i loved him. i'm glad he didn't get sick while i was at my test. i'm glad he didn't come home and die a few days later. i'm glad he was mine for a while.
now: my apartment is empty, and lonely, and cave-like. i still cry every day, especially when i'm "home" a place that doesn't feel like home. i know he was so quirky and special and that having him for a year was a blessing. i miss him, i miss him. he cuddling, his following, his rolling, his meowing.
in between: we lost a great woman, Grandma Swartz left earth and went to heaven surrounded by angels. her hugs and personality and happiness are and will be greatly missed. i've been applying to grad schools and deadlines have come and gone. anxiously awaiting letters to be sent in (through prodding and persistent emails and facebook messages). staci made thanksgiving dinner (the only time i left bed all weekend). i had a 4am skype session for bridesmaid dress shopping for erk's wedding.
now: one app is finished, and three more are close. it snowed on the first of december. people have offered their furry friends for visits and cuddles.
and i realize: even though i didn't feel thankful or grateful on thanksgiving (the day i lost Nim) or the days after. i'm realizing it was the grief and the loss taking over and that i am so grateful for so many things (obviously). and i'm so thankful that i had baby. and i'm so thankful now that i have friends, family, and a faithful God to pull me back out of the darkness. thank you for the messages of support and strength and prayer and thoughts.
this morning: i was out at the bus stop at 7:20 and our bus didn't show up. we hopped on another bus that goes a different, longer, slower way through the countryside. we didn't make it to the next stop. the bus got stuck going down an icy hill. we waited on the bus for 20 minutes while we slid one way and then the other. i thought we might tip over or slid into another car. the bus driver made some calls and had us walk down the slippery hill to the next bus stop. he and his friends poured dirt and sand to counter the ice. the bus slowly limped down the hill and picked us up again. we got to school at 9:20. it was a long, icy trip to school.
so the worst weeks don't seem to be over yet. but slowly, we're getting to school and getting my apps in. and slowly, things are getting better.
missing you, nim kitty.
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