christmas in concerts

this christmas season was celebrated in concerts, 3.

december 10: my co-teachers and i went to the nutcracker in cheonan put on by the seoul national ballet. it was delightful. i remember watching the ballet as a child, but it was even better this year. i don't know if it was because i was lonely, or because they were as thrilled as i was, or because it made the season feel merry. but it was perfect. 

december 17: v invited me to a korean traditional fusion concert, also in cheonan, but at city hall. julie was going with another friend. and semi was going with her boyfriend. it was the weirdest, most interesting mix i've heard. the "orchestra" (do you call it an orchestra if they're all korean string instruments? not sure) was composed of 가야금 or kayagum and drums and flutes and a strange vertical guitar violin bubble like contraption (i'll try to find a picture) called 해금. this grouping made up the background of the concert. different acts performed with them: a boys choir, a group of fan women, a soloist, a guitarist, traditional hat duo, and b-boys. somehow, the mix worked. but it was weird, very weird. especially when the soloist started singing in spanish. 

this is called a 가야금

this is called a 해금

december 24: christmas eve, staci and i won free tickets to a carol meets jazz concert in seoul. so t, s, and i picnic'ed on the train with wine and cheese and pesto. there was an american jazz pianist, a german drummer, an irish bassist, and a "something" treble saxophonist (saxophonist?). they played swinging carols. it was a nice way to spend the eve. 

and yesterday, on christmas. i slept in, watched lord of the rings. went over to staci and tyson's and watched "the interview" (the movie was stupid, dumb, and annoying, but we felt like we did our duty). i skyped the family for the rest of the evening and ended christmas with them. they sat me so my view of the living room was from "my seat" and we opened presents around the tree. it almost felt like i was really there. 

for being a christmas spent in solitude, alone for the majority, and in a foreign country. it was the best it could be. i felt relaxed, cherished, and merry. but i can't wait to be home with family. eating food. playing games. laughing. hugging. cheers to next year, when i spend the holiday with those i love. i can't wait, i can't wait. 364 days.

the ladies and my cloud

m encouraged me to explore this area that i have definitely felt a lot of feelings about, but never actually tried putting into words: the women in my life, the ladies that keep me constant, my cloud of witnesses. she was first inspired by a blog by sarah bessey and she in turn, shared it with me. i will attempt to put my thoughts and feelings into tangible expressions of my gratefulness, but i don't think i'll be able to accomplish it as thoroughly as i feel it.

i've needed my mom. constantly. like i've never needed her before. i've needed her to pray for me, to kakao me, to email me, to talk to me on the phone, to skype me. i've needed her reassurance that everything will eventually right itself, i needed her words when she told me i'd be okay when i lost nim. i needed her support in preparing myself for the gre in times of extreme stress. i needed her care packages that she has been diligently sending and surprising me with. these constant reminders of her love and willingness has been what i needed.

i've needed julie, my co-teacher. to tell me when i'm being an idiot. to help me fix things when everything goes wrong. i needed her tough love to get through the past month. i needed her there when i had to make huge decisions about nim, and when i had to decide to put him down. i needed her to go to movies with me so i could sit in a dark room and just cry. i needed to know she was there to help if i needed it.

i've needed my other co-teachers. to laugh with me each day. to help me with my internet, and phone, and banking. i've needed people to hug me, and they've been close.

i've needed staci. to get me out of my apartment, to the gym, to the store, to seoul. i've needed her to let me stay in her apartment for the day, even when she isn't there, and hang out with her dog little B. i've needed to escape my apartment that doesn't feel like home anymore and she lets me escape to hers. she is always willing to help, she is always willing to show up, she is always willing to feed me. pumpkin pie. cheese balls. juevos rancheros. i've needed her to kick my butt, i've needed her to tell me the truth, i've needed her to be painfully honest.

i've needed jodi. to invite me to things. make me get out of sinchang. encourage me to keep going. her words of wisdom always hit home with me. and i need them a lot. she knew what i needed to hear and wasn't afraid to tell me. to understand me.

i've needed morgan. i've needed to email her, kakao her, talk to her. i've needed to hear her encouragement when i was feeling dark and she was lonely, too. i've needed to see that her emerald city isn't emerald all the time and that it isn't perfect and there are things missing there too. i've needed to see her work through school, church, small group, and learn to make time and save time and reserve time. i've needed to know she'll pray for me whenever and wherever i ask, even if it's late, or early, or she's doing homework. and i've needed to see that she's struggling too and that i'm not being left behind.

i've needed diana. to keep me updated on life at home. to watch shows at the same time as me. to be willing to watch sci-fi shows and obsess over them like i do. i've needed her to remind me about the beauty of alaska and the things we experienced there and that one day we'll be able to do it again. i've needed her to inspire me to explore again, as i try to curl up into my hermit cave in the midst of losing nim. and i needed her cut and dry advice for things i'm wishy-washy about.

i've needed hannah, leah, and jannessah. to diligently write me letters, cards, postcards every month. it's always a surprise and a delight and sometimes it makes me cry when i get their letters. because as much as i miss them, they miss me too. they share their joy and their defeats and even though time slows in letters, i feel like i'm with them, living with them, and i don't feel so far away.

the women around me are strong, and i'm grateful for that.
the women around me are patient, and i'm grateful for that.
the women around me are diligent, and i'm grateful for that.
the women around me are honest, and i'm grateful for that.
the women around me are willing, and i'm most grateful for that.

thank you lord for surrounding me with women such as these, who are my cloud and  constant source of encouragement and persistence and truth.

and now, an ode to sweet baby nimbus

baby monster. 

your quirks: shutting my computer when you wanted my attention. biting my toes while i was in the bathroom. waiting for me by the shower. following me around the apartment. greeting me at the door, running outside and rolling on the tiles. your perch by the door. sharing cheese. watching the cars park outside. making your bed each night. waking me up each morning. burrowing under the covers and not knowing whether you were going to cuddle or bite me toes. catching your tail on fire. getting stuck in boxes. playing fetch. smothering me. chasing me out the door. hearing you meow from outside. your strange sleeping habits. loving christmas music. your pupils getting so big when you were about to pounce. your little almond eyes. your little eyebrows. thanks for being the best company, the best roommate, the best friend. 

you were my joy. you are my joy. i remember you fondly, sweet thang.

i thank God every day for you.

the worst few weeks

i need to write this down to get it out of me and onto paper, because the last weeks have been discouraging, breaking, emptying, awful. (it's going to be a little graphic, for the queasy folk).

the wednesday before the gre, i had to rush Nim to the 24-hour emergency vet in cheonan at 2am. i woke to him laying on me and groaning and weakly crying. the vet did an ultrasound and saw that his bladder was full of stones and prevented him from urinating. the vet said they couldn't do anything until morning but would proceed with a blood test to see how his kidneys were functioning and inserting a catheter to relieve his bladder. he was such a little fighter.

with little sleep, i went to school the next day. and the next day. and as i was worried and stressed about the test, it was amplified by the fact that little kitty was at the vet and we didn't know if he'd be okay.

test day. test went smoothly and well, but i came out to multiple calls from the vet. not a good sign, as they had told me they were going to take the catheter out and see if he could pee on his own: and if he could i'd be able to take him home saturday night. thankfully, i was meeting semi, so she called the vet and learned that he couldn't pee on his own and they had had to insert another catheter and we needed to wait a few more days to see what the next step was. we visited him that foggy night and while he looked better than he had before, he was miserable and full of tubes. but happy to see me.

sunday was foggy and dreary and i spent most of the day in bed. monday, we visited him after school and he looked a lot happier and was very responsive to my presence. i got to cuddle him a little, but for the most part he had to stay in his little cube. i was happy to see him better and more himself. the vet sat us down and we talked logistics. he mentioned surgery but i was firm in that i couldn't afford to pay 2,000$ for a surgery. i asked him how much it would cost to put him down (if it came to that), and he looked at me and even though he was speaking in korean, i understood that we were going to fight for Nim and find a way to work out expenses. he talked with the other vets and they negotiated to give me a very large discount and that i could pay it in monthly installments. i cried out of joyed and thankfulness and appreciation. the vet was so kind and i was so excited because either way (1. he could pee on his own or 2. he had to have surgery) he was coming home.

the next few days were joyful and happy. they took the catheter out tuesday. i waited to hear wednesday. i was going to visit him with his favorite toy, but they called and said he'd been peeing on his own for 24 hours and they were going to keep him one more day for observation, but i should be able to take him home the next day, thursday.

thursday, i got a call saying he'd stopped peeing during the night and they needed to perform emergency surgery and that it was going to be a bit more extreme than the original plan because they were going to have to cut him open (they couldn't get the catheter in). i anxiously waited. but 30 minutes later, they called again. and when they opened him, they found his bladder tissue was bad. precancerous bad. and that there was very little good tissue left. they said it was hard/impossible for his bladder to contract and that there wasn't anything they could do. julie and i rushed over to say goodbye and put him down. we showed up at the vet, and horrifically, he was still open on the table. they showed me his bladder, the bad tissue, the stones. things i didn't want to see and things i didn't want to remember. i broke. i'd already broken, but i broke more. they closed him and i held his paw and pet his head while saying a tearful goodbye. and he was gone.

it's been a week now. i have regrets: i wish i'd gone on wednesday to see him, i wish i'd had a proper goodbye. i miss him, i wish i'd visited more. but i also know this: that the vet treated him incredibly well, and kept him more comfortable than i could. that we had a blissful year in korea. that he was my best friend. that he got me, and i was his human. that he loved me and i loved him. i'm glad he didn't get sick while i was at my test. i'm glad he didn't come home and die a few days later. i'm glad he was mine for a while.

now: my apartment is empty, and lonely, and cave-like. i still cry every day, especially when i'm "home" a place that doesn't feel like home. i know he was so quirky and special and that having him for a year was a blessing. i miss him, i miss him. he cuddling, his following, his rolling, his meowing.

in between: we lost a great woman, Grandma Swartz left earth and went to heaven surrounded by angels. her hugs and personality and happiness are and will be greatly missed. i've been applying to grad schools and deadlines have come and gone. anxiously awaiting letters to be sent in (through prodding and persistent emails and facebook messages). staci made thanksgiving dinner (the only time i left bed all weekend). i had a 4am skype session for bridesmaid dress shopping for erk's wedding.

now: one app is finished, and three more are close. it snowed on the first of december. people have offered their furry friends for visits and cuddles.

and i realize: even though i didn't feel thankful or grateful on thanksgiving (the day i lost Nim) or the days after. i'm realizing it was the grief and the loss taking over and that i am so grateful for so many things (obviously). and i'm so thankful that i had baby. and i'm so thankful now that i have friends, family, and a faithful God to pull me back out of the darkness. thank you for the messages of support and strength and prayer and thoughts.

this morning: i was out at the bus stop at 7:20 and our bus didn't show up. we hopped on another bus that goes a different, longer, slower way through the countryside. we didn't make it to the next stop. the bus got stuck going down an icy hill. we waited on the bus for 20 minutes while we slid one way and then the other. i thought we might tip over or slid into another car. the bus driver made some calls and had us walk down the slippery hill to the next bus stop. he and his friends poured dirt and sand to counter the ice. the bus slowly limped down the hill and picked us up again. we got to school at 9:20. it was a long, icy trip to school.

so the worst weeks don't seem to be over yet. but slowly, we're getting to school and getting my apps in. and slowly, things are getting better.

missing you, nim kitty.

taking the gre in seoul

before i talk about how awful everything has been recently and surrounding the test, i wanted to write about the test itself.

i registered for the test back in august and signed up for the test site in seoul. apparently, it's quite common for koreans and foreigners to take the test here because many want to attend graduate schools in america. the test was scheduled for a 10am start, and because it takes me approximately two hours to get from sinchang to seoul, dad was kind enough to book a hotel for me close to the center.

so on a friday after school, i walked downtown, got a latte, and got on the slow train to seoul. at seoul station i transferred to the subway for two stops and got off near my hotel. i had printed directions, but the route i was supposed to take was blocked by construction. i found a way around it and easily found the fulbright center where i'd be testing the next morning. finding my hotel from there was also easy. it was a swanky place. with revolving doors, and a valet, and marble everything, and clacking heels. i walked in with my back pack and tennis shoes and alaska crewneck. i guess i couldn't press the elevator button myself because there was someone there to do that too. the room had an amazing view of the street below and the lights and the cars passing. i ate dinner in my room and took a long shower and ate the lucky chocolate my co-teachers had surprised me with (i couldn't share with anyone, it's bad luck, i wasn't complaining). i lounged in bed, watching the matrix and men's volleyball on tv, and reviewing vocab.

the next morning i woke up to rain and the sound of traffic. i got dressed and repacked and took the elevator back down. i returned my key and checked my backpack because i couldn't take my cell phone into the test center. i ate a healthy meal of mcdonalds and a latte for breakfast and walked through the rain to the center.

i was super early, but i had to be shown to my "G" room because it was in the basement in the back, back, back corner of the building. i was number 4 to go in and begin the test. there were soundproof headphones, which i was the only one to wear (i thought that strange, but i didn't want to hear other people clicking, it helps me center). i plowed through the odd hours of the test and came out a victor on the other side. i got my unofficial scores, sent them to four schools, and had to wait for my essay score. (i just got that yesterday, also good!)

i then took the subway one stop to a transfer, went the wrong way, had to turn around, eventually ended up in sinchon. i met meg for some coffee and we waiting for my co-teachers to show up (we met them at on the border for celebratory mexican, because they were in seoul for the wedding of two teachers at our school).

all-in-all, everything went smoothly. God was there, calming me, soothing me. i felt confident and sure. despite the horrors of the week before and the week after, in that moment, i was feeling good. which i am so grateful for, because in the face of it all, it could've been a complete disaster. but i made it, alone, and with Him.

---

*i missed the days when M and i would drive each other to our big tests and wait. i missed not having to worry about transportation or where i was going to put my phone. i missed having something there to mitigate my worries and my fears. i missed knowing i had someone waiting for me on the other side. but in Seoul, i was alone. before, and after. but it made me more reliant on his calming presence and my prayers were fervent the entire time. so thankful.

D-5

test day is saturday. i've been studying intermittently for the past four months. alternating between verbal and vocab and reviewing math and practicing essays. i've studied on the bus, in busan, in between classes, at home with cat. the day is just around the corner! i'm ready for it to be over. but i'm also ready for the night before in the fancy hotel, getting a good nights sleep, wandering seoul. i'm ready to feel challenged and accomplished during the test. i'm ready to feel frustrated. i'm ready to wait in anticipation for my score at the end. i'm ready.

after the test, i'll finish my sophas application and other applications and send them out. some are due december 15, and others january 15. i'm ready for them to be sent in. i'm ready to check things off my list. i'm ready to get responses. i'm ready to know what i'll be doing next year. i'm ready to know whether i'll start in the fall or the spring. i'm ready to know what i'll be doing for the next couple of years.

this time has been long-awaited. i'm ready.

halloween in seoul

this weekend was halloween. and a few friends and i went to hongdae in seoul to dress up and dance. 

i wore my ears and yellow at school to resemble a giraffe. we played halloween games and i passed out sour warheads. after school, i caught a local bus and raced to ssangyong where jod was dressed like a witch and carefully applied brilliant face paint to transform me into a giraffe princess. i wore a giraffe scarf and tribal-looking jewelry on the ktx and got my fair share of stares. 

we finished getting ready at our hostel. i put my ears on and i was ready to go. we met our friends at the beastro and dined on hanger steak and buffalo mac and cheese and fried brie. we pressed on to the park. we made it to magpie for some porter. we listened to a little live jazz. we went clubbing at gogo's 2 and we ended the night (morning) at 4am eating chicken on the side of the road as the city began slowly waking up again. we rolled out of bed, had an american breakfast, and caught an early ktx. i was back in cheonan by 12. and i spent the afternoon in a theater, on a solo date, watching gone girl. relaxing, resting. and today, i woke and skyped the parents. and later, i'm going to costco to pick up 25lbs of cat food and some litter. and i'll study too. 

weekends. 

울릉도

last weekend, i had the opportunity to go on another seoul hiking trip. this time we bussed and ferry-ed to ulleungdo island three hours off the east coast of korea. the original plan was to include a ferry trip to dokdo even further off the coast. an area whose ownership is disputed between japan and korea. 

we left seoul at 11pm and drove across the country until 3am, some camped and others crashed in a local pension. slept until the morning ferry. woke, found espresso, walked to the terminal. found our assigned seats, took seasick pills, and hoped for the best. i was in and out of sleep for the majority of the ride, and by the end of it, we had begun approaching mountainous cliffs emerging from the ocean. 

ulleungdo is one of two volcanic islands belonging to korea. unlike jeju, though, this island is lined by cliffs with a large fall-colored crater inside rimmed with peaks. my perfect landscape. 

we trudged off the ferry and found a man waiting for us with a bus. he drove us to our pension where we dropped our goods and immediately went to lunch. passed these drying squid on our way. 

after our light lunch of vegetables and soup, we got on another bus for a bus and walking tour of the island. we stopped at various rock outcroppings to explore and at one point we hiked up the mountain and came across the other side to see this: 

we drove around 80% of the island. at one point there was a building where we could walk under the water and see the fish feeding. at another, we drove into the crater and spun in amazement at the color of the trees and the beauty of the ridge. and at the end, we careened back down the mountain and stopped at the beach just in time to catch an amazing sunset. 

from either side of the ferry port, there were sea side walkways carved out of the side of the cliffs. joined by bridges and metal walkways. 

the water was a beautiful blue turquoise. a color i haven't ever seen in nature. more beautiful than the philippines. more beautiful than the bahamas. a tranquil brightness.

inside the crater

ulleungdo was one of the most beautiful parts of korea i've seen ! while each are different, this in particular was my favorite scenery: where mountains and sea meet in rocky cliffs. so it was a special treat. the last day, we went hiking and we were supposed to go to dokdo but due to rough waters, the ferry was cancelled and our ferry returning to the mainland was moved up. 

i managed to make it home a little after midnight that sunday. catching the last ktx and scurrying to the taxi stand. a mere 24 hours were spent on the island, but my fingers are crossed that i'll be going back for a trek around the circumference of the island next spring. 

happy november, everyone 

steak nights

i don't know if it's really going to be a tradition, or if it's just the tradition of the past two sundays, but sunday nights are now steak nights. i trudge to cheonan, either downtown or ssangyong. i walk to the subway, get on, get off, and walk some more on the other end. i come bearing wine, others bring vegetables, games, potatoes, dips. and someone brings steaks. last week and this week. i'm getting used to it again. i'm getting spoiled. last week was the first time i'd had a steak in 9, almost 10 months. steak, mashed potatoes, carrots, bread, red wine, salad. this week: steak, sweet potato fries made out of the biggest sweet potato i've ever seen, garlie aioli, carmel dip for apples, mustard sauce, red wine, apple pie moonshine that J made herself.

and friday, i went to costco for the first time (in korea). i overloaded on cheese (sharp cheddar, parmesan, and brie), balsamic vinaigrette, wheat tortillas, pace salsa, salted chocolate, sour warheads, onion bagels, black olives, and a tom n toms gift card. (i wanted the 25lb cat food, but i didn't know if i could carry it all the way home). buying bulk items and subsequently carrying them on public transportation is an experience everyone should have.

the last week has been food heaven. (we've also begun planning several thanksgiving dinners yummmmm)
and my canned pumpkin just came in the mail. best.

this:
is the sweet potato we made into fries. mammoth sweet potato.

부산 international film festival

this weekend was "biff" and little sleep. this weekend was watching movie after movie and sipping in lattes to stay awake. this weekend was waiting in lines and sitting on the beach and finding theaters. this weekend was only eating popcorn once and being terribly sad about it. this weekend was looking at the ocean and pretending it was lake michigan. this weekend was finally fall. 

three nights away from little nim. the first night was spent with margaritas and burritos and cribbage and a J's couch. the next morning was waking up and catching the subway before taking the 6am bullet train to busan. the day was spent watching "face of an angel" and missing "the drop" and wallowing in soda and popcorn. that night was hunting for a place to stay, finding it, and ending the night with bloody mary's and burgers, and falling asleep at 9. 

the next morning was waking up at five and wearing layers and getting in line at 6 to buy more tickets. waiting in line was fun and filled with starbucks and scones and word games and people games. the late morning was watching "is the man who is tall happy?" and listening to noam chomsky's wisdom. the afternoon was spent walking to an art museum and dozing in a sunny park. the evening was watching "whiplash" and wanting to watch it over again right away. and the night was watching "the homesman" and wondering what exactly happened and.. why. the night ended with long island iced teas and sitting alone at the beach listening to the waves. 

the next morning was an early train again. all morning. hours. looking at the window and listening to musical jams. and trying to walk on the train and finally arriving in cheonan. and getting subway sandwiches. and catching a bus for another hour home. 

there was a lot going on this weekend. and it finished with sunday, resting and laying in bed and catching up on grey's and scandal and playing with cat. and falling asleep early again. because i always fall asleep early.

baby showers and hair-cuts

between last week and this, i had a baby shower, a vet visit, and a hair cut. and while that may sound rather mundane, ordinary life here is quite outrageous and surprising at times. i never know quite what i'm getting myself into. 

first, the baby shower. i offered to help a friend get things ready for her sister's baby shower (the babe is due in november). i cut things out, and did a lot of gluing, and it was a lot of fun for a thursday night, and they fed me chips and salsa, so i was quite happy. the actual baby shower was sunday afternoon at a coffee shop near ssangyong: the coffee mission. we blew up balloons, and played games, and cut strings to guess belly sizes (i accidentally got two of them right). it was a good group of people celebrating a good thing. it was a pleasant way to spend an afternoon.

back up a little bit to saturday. my only tasks for the day were taking the cat to the vet for a shot and skyping a friend that evening. co-teacher had called before, so they knew i was coming. i show up with an unhappy cat and julie to translate. the vet was in surgery. for two hours. julie had things to do, so i left the cat and sat in a coffee shop for hours. i was upset and a little bitter, but sitting there was quite refreshing and renewing. i was in my big lake michigan sweatshirt in a comfortable chair drinking an extra large latte. and when you think about it, that's not a bad situation to be in. so i dealt with it. i kakao'd people and pinterested and all-in-all, it wasn't terrible. but what should have been an hour long endeavor ended up taking more than four hours. it was frustrating. 

eventually, we got back home. there was some whining in the taxi. but we spent the afternoon relaxing, cleaning, laundering, doing things i had neglected to do all week. looking forward to skyping. but there was miscommunication as there almost always is, and i thought it was my saturday night his saturday morning, and he thought it was his saturday night, my sunday morning. and we didn't end up skyping. that was frustrating, too. saturday was frustrating. sunday was sweet. 

along comes monday. i needed something for myself. a change, something different. i had actively avoided korean hair salons during the twelve months in korea. i'd heard horror stories about how they couldn't handle foreign hair, and my curly, blonde, fine hair is surely foreign. but after almost nine months without a haircut (and a bathtub trim somewhere in the middle), it was time. for a brightening and a lightening and a trim. i found as many pictures as i could on pinterest to show what i wanted, how i wanted it (there were actually ten that i cycled through). in the end, it was beneficial, i swear. 

korean hair salons are another world. actually alien, this is what i walked into.

they took our bags, offered us free beverages. sat us down in the waiting area, taking our names and a brief description of what i wanted (the pictures would come later). 

j made me take a before selfie, to show my dreads, tangles, and uneven sides, i'm sure.

it was a short wait (they don't take appointments) and i was guided to my stylist around another side of chairs. i showed her my pictures, every single one of them. and through hand motions, broken english, and j acting as translator, we picked bits and pieces from all of them. the color of this, the length of that, the layers like those. i decided to go all out and get the ends of my hair lightened and try something to lighten my head of hair. (i was apprehensive about the blonde color because koreans don't have any natural blondes or even remotely close). she combed and cut my hair dry. brushing through the tangles and making me look like someone from a scary movie with my hair everywhere. then she started putting the dye on the ends and sponging it upwards so it would look more "natural" (because in korea, they tend to have straight lines of dye and i really didn't want that). two things i understood throughout our grunting discourse: my hair is naturally wavy and my hair wasn't the same length on both sides (oops). then she foiled me and took me to another chair where a hot machine flew around my head for fifteen minutes (you can see the metal contraption behind my head, it was moving 360 degrees). 

after the time was done. i was taken by another woman to another area, where she covered my eyes with a tissue and proceeded to wash my hair and give me a head massage. she then returned me to my original chair where another woman gave me a back massage in passing. my stylist returned and started fluffing and drying my hair when another woman came and asked if i wanted a hand massage. i nodded my consent. she curled my hair and petted my head (at least that's what it felt like). 

now some selfies. 

the whole experience was other-worldly and i left on a cloud having only paid 55,000 won. everyone should go to korean hair salons at least once in their life, and i should definitely go back before another nine months pass. 

in retrospect, the baby shower was delightful, waiting for the vet was bearable and turns out i even needed to sit and people watch and drink coffee and curl up in a big comfy chair, and the hair lady was brave to tackle my mess of hair (with a smile, even) (i can't imagine what she was thinking when she saw my head of tangles). 

this "ordinary" life of mine is absolutely crazy sometimes (most of the time). 

day-to-day, i never know what to expect.

but i'm thankful all the time, every day.

-----

the big, comfy, fluffy chair at the coffee shop was worth everything, the emotions, the waiting. because i haven't had a chair like that in far too long. and everyone needs a chair like that once in a while. to make you feel small, and forget things that don't really matter, and put things in perspective. because even chairs can do that.

walking home

yesterday, i had a kind of small adventure, a daily adventure, an adventure between school and home. yesterday, we planned to go the lake, to run. but yesterday and the night before, it rained and rained. so yesterday, we watched as the weather went from dreary to the sky lightening to a fresh breeze to puddles evaporating to a temperature that was pleasant and bearable and i almost forgot humidity existed. 

it was in the happy place and at this happy moment, that we decided to walk home for school. it's an idea we've tossed around before. the idea of it. because sinchang isn't that far from onyang. because they are both a part of asan. and the bus makes a lot of stops and still only takes 30 minutes on its round-a-bout way. so at 3:38pm yesterday, we began walking. we took the most direct route, following the route of the 451 bus that we take home normally. map-quested, the way was upwards of eight kilometers. further than i thought it would be. the way consisted of little sidewalks, frequent lights, many buses passing, beautifully yellow green rice paddies, our friend j passing us twice in his granny smith apple green car, flowers that looked and felt like mini velvet brains, a monster spider with the biggest butt i'd ever seen, crossing a highway, and a stop at a toast shop to celebrate our survival with peach smoothies and ham and cheese sandwiches.

things i liked stopping and noticing: the way that the yellow green rice paddies looked like wheat when up close. that tiny roads cut through the rice paddies. the color of the sky and how quickly the clouds moved through it. watching the spider weave it's web, slowly, perfectly, one spoke at a time, around and around. seeing flowers i hadn't even imagined existed, how velvety they felt, and how convoluted they looked, like sulci, brain folds, wormy things, but were still a bright, pleasant fuchsia color. such a strange flower. how bus drivers kept offering to pick us up because they didn't know why we were on the side of the road, walking. how every piece of available land has something planted in it, and most likely will be or already has been, replanted. how there are several ways home that we still have to try (and will). and that blessed, blessed breeze that blew on my face and through my hair the entire way home.

more mountains, less mondays

a phrase i resonated with strongly (but just this week, i normally enjoy mondays). last weekend, i went with seoul hiking group to juwangsan and the east coast of korea. i took a train up to seoul to meet the midnight bus on friday. and we drove and drove through the night. no sleep on the windy roads. we arrived well before sunrise at jusanji lake, pond, reservoir, call it what you will. we parked it for an hour or so, sleeping bags spread at random, taking over, taking space. some napped, some snacked, some were in a daze. as the sun started to rise, the lake began appearing among misty mountains. steam from the warm water blew across the lake in waves. and this is what we saw: 

afterwards, we started hiking through the valley, across and back over a river, stream. warned to watch for snakes, we saw four babies. where were the mothers? crossing, crossing, slipping on rocks. i fell several times. but the valley was lush and a green i haven't seen in a long while. even now, i crave that green. trail started upwards. steeply. for an hour. climb, climb. through the beautiful trees. feeling like i was in the appalachians or the pnw. to the peak. at the top. jump across to another rock. stand alone. lowered myself to the edge. no fence, no boundary. the edge. and i sat. and admired. and who could not be amazed at that view.

back down. the long way. to the waterfalls (there were three). in the fairy forest. straight out of game of thrones or the elves domain. ghostly. beautiful. eerie. 

waterfalls. rocks. canyon. to the bottom, again. treated with apple makgeolli and various kinds of pajeon (pancake). mushroom and spinach. another round of makgeolli. back on the bus. to the coast. for a coastal jaunt along these rocks.

back on the bus. to a middle-of-nowhere town. with a beautifully empty beach. to camp. for the night. bonfire. fireworks. sleeping to waves. waking to the sun. peaceful. rejuvenating. 

my new favorite view in all of korea. the mountains go for miles and miles.

one of my favorite trips. i always dread wrenching myself into sleepless weekends. but afterwards, i am always so glad i did it. especially this weekend. it was worth the restless nights. the long drives. the windy roads. for this. climbing mountains. seeing things. seeing far and seeing wide. and meeting like-minded people who enjoy this just as much, and get just as much out of it, and are in awe, too. because we 

talk about these mountains for hours and days later. they become a part of us, of me, these people, these weekends, these mountains. these glorious mountains and trees.