christmas in concerts

this christmas season was celebrated in concerts, 3.

december 10: my co-teachers and i went to the nutcracker in cheonan put on by the seoul national ballet. it was delightful. i remember watching the ballet as a child, but it was even better this year. i don't know if it was because i was lonely, or because they were as thrilled as i was, or because it made the season feel merry. but it was perfect. 

december 17: v invited me to a korean traditional fusion concert, also in cheonan, but at city hall. julie was going with another friend. and semi was going with her boyfriend. it was the weirdest, most interesting mix i've heard. the "orchestra" (do you call it an orchestra if they're all korean string instruments? not sure) was composed of 가야금 or kayagum and drums and flutes and a strange vertical guitar violin bubble like contraption (i'll try to find a picture) called 해금. this grouping made up the background of the concert. different acts performed with them: a boys choir, a group of fan women, a soloist, a guitarist, traditional hat duo, and b-boys. somehow, the mix worked. but it was weird, very weird. especially when the soloist started singing in spanish. 

this is called a 가야금

this is called a 해금

december 24: christmas eve, staci and i won free tickets to a carol meets jazz concert in seoul. so t, s, and i picnic'ed on the train with wine and cheese and pesto. there was an american jazz pianist, a german drummer, an irish bassist, and a "something" treble saxophonist (saxophonist?). they played swinging carols. it was a nice way to spend the eve. 

and yesterday, on christmas. i slept in, watched lord of the rings. went over to staci and tyson's and watched "the interview" (the movie was stupid, dumb, and annoying, but we felt like we did our duty). i skyped the family for the rest of the evening and ended christmas with them. they sat me so my view of the living room was from "my seat" and we opened presents around the tree. it almost felt like i was really there. 

for being a christmas spent in solitude, alone for the majority, and in a foreign country. it was the best it could be. i felt relaxed, cherished, and merry. but i can't wait to be home with family. eating food. playing games. laughing. hugging. cheers to next year, when i spend the holiday with those i love. i can't wait, i can't wait. 364 days.

the ladies and my cloud

m encouraged me to explore this area that i have definitely felt a lot of feelings about, but never actually tried putting into words: the women in my life, the ladies that keep me constant, my cloud of witnesses. she was first inspired by a blog by sarah bessey and she in turn, shared it with me. i will attempt to put my thoughts and feelings into tangible expressions of my gratefulness, but i don't think i'll be able to accomplish it as thoroughly as i feel it.

i've needed my mom. constantly. like i've never needed her before. i've needed her to pray for me, to kakao me, to email me, to talk to me on the phone, to skype me. i've needed her reassurance that everything will eventually right itself, i needed her words when she told me i'd be okay when i lost nim. i needed her support in preparing myself for the gre in times of extreme stress. i needed her care packages that she has been diligently sending and surprising me with. these constant reminders of her love and willingness has been what i needed.

i've needed julie, my co-teacher. to tell me when i'm being an idiot. to help me fix things when everything goes wrong. i needed her tough love to get through the past month. i needed her there when i had to make huge decisions about nim, and when i had to decide to put him down. i needed her to go to movies with me so i could sit in a dark room and just cry. i needed to know she was there to help if i needed it.

i've needed my other co-teachers. to laugh with me each day. to help me with my internet, and phone, and banking. i've needed people to hug me, and they've been close.

i've needed staci. to get me out of my apartment, to the gym, to the store, to seoul. i've needed her to let me stay in her apartment for the day, even when she isn't there, and hang out with her dog little B. i've needed to escape my apartment that doesn't feel like home anymore and she lets me escape to hers. she is always willing to help, she is always willing to show up, she is always willing to feed me. pumpkin pie. cheese balls. juevos rancheros. i've needed her to kick my butt, i've needed her to tell me the truth, i've needed her to be painfully honest.

i've needed jodi. to invite me to things. make me get out of sinchang. encourage me to keep going. her words of wisdom always hit home with me. and i need them a lot. she knew what i needed to hear and wasn't afraid to tell me. to understand me.

i've needed morgan. i've needed to email her, kakao her, talk to her. i've needed to hear her encouragement when i was feeling dark and she was lonely, too. i've needed to see that her emerald city isn't emerald all the time and that it isn't perfect and there are things missing there too. i've needed to see her work through school, church, small group, and learn to make time and save time and reserve time. i've needed to know she'll pray for me whenever and wherever i ask, even if it's late, or early, or she's doing homework. and i've needed to see that she's struggling too and that i'm not being left behind.

i've needed diana. to keep me updated on life at home. to watch shows at the same time as me. to be willing to watch sci-fi shows and obsess over them like i do. i've needed her to remind me about the beauty of alaska and the things we experienced there and that one day we'll be able to do it again. i've needed her to inspire me to explore again, as i try to curl up into my hermit cave in the midst of losing nim. and i needed her cut and dry advice for things i'm wishy-washy about.

i've needed hannah, leah, and jannessah. to diligently write me letters, cards, postcards every month. it's always a surprise and a delight and sometimes it makes me cry when i get their letters. because as much as i miss them, they miss me too. they share their joy and their defeats and even though time slows in letters, i feel like i'm with them, living with them, and i don't feel so far away.

the women around me are strong, and i'm grateful for that.
the women around me are patient, and i'm grateful for that.
the women around me are diligent, and i'm grateful for that.
the women around me are honest, and i'm grateful for that.
the women around me are willing, and i'm most grateful for that.

thank you lord for surrounding me with women such as these, who are my cloud and  constant source of encouragement and persistence and truth.

and now, an ode to sweet baby nimbus

baby monster. 

your quirks: shutting my computer when you wanted my attention. biting my toes while i was in the bathroom. waiting for me by the shower. following me around the apartment. greeting me at the door, running outside and rolling on the tiles. your perch by the door. sharing cheese. watching the cars park outside. making your bed each night. waking me up each morning. burrowing under the covers and not knowing whether you were going to cuddle or bite me toes. catching your tail on fire. getting stuck in boxes. playing fetch. smothering me. chasing me out the door. hearing you meow from outside. your strange sleeping habits. loving christmas music. your pupils getting so big when you were about to pounce. your little almond eyes. your little eyebrows. thanks for being the best company, the best roommate, the best friend. 

you were my joy. you are my joy. i remember you fondly, sweet thang.

i thank God every day for you.

the worst few weeks

i need to write this down to get it out of me and onto paper, because the last weeks have been discouraging, breaking, emptying, awful. (it's going to be a little graphic, for the queasy folk).

the wednesday before the gre, i had to rush Nim to the 24-hour emergency vet in cheonan at 2am. i woke to him laying on me and groaning and weakly crying. the vet did an ultrasound and saw that his bladder was full of stones and prevented him from urinating. the vet said they couldn't do anything until morning but would proceed with a blood test to see how his kidneys were functioning and inserting a catheter to relieve his bladder. he was such a little fighter.

with little sleep, i went to school the next day. and the next day. and as i was worried and stressed about the test, it was amplified by the fact that little kitty was at the vet and we didn't know if he'd be okay.

test day. test went smoothly and well, but i came out to multiple calls from the vet. not a good sign, as they had told me they were going to take the catheter out and see if he could pee on his own: and if he could i'd be able to take him home saturday night. thankfully, i was meeting semi, so she called the vet and learned that he couldn't pee on his own and they had had to insert another catheter and we needed to wait a few more days to see what the next step was. we visited him that foggy night and while he looked better than he had before, he was miserable and full of tubes. but happy to see me.

sunday was foggy and dreary and i spent most of the day in bed. monday, we visited him after school and he looked a lot happier and was very responsive to my presence. i got to cuddle him a little, but for the most part he had to stay in his little cube. i was happy to see him better and more himself. the vet sat us down and we talked logistics. he mentioned surgery but i was firm in that i couldn't afford to pay 2,000$ for a surgery. i asked him how much it would cost to put him down (if it came to that), and he looked at me and even though he was speaking in korean, i understood that we were going to fight for Nim and find a way to work out expenses. he talked with the other vets and they negotiated to give me a very large discount and that i could pay it in monthly installments. i cried out of joyed and thankfulness and appreciation. the vet was so kind and i was so excited because either way (1. he could pee on his own or 2. he had to have surgery) he was coming home.

the next few days were joyful and happy. they took the catheter out tuesday. i waited to hear wednesday. i was going to visit him with his favorite toy, but they called and said he'd been peeing on his own for 24 hours and they were going to keep him one more day for observation, but i should be able to take him home the next day, thursday.

thursday, i got a call saying he'd stopped peeing during the night and they needed to perform emergency surgery and that it was going to be a bit more extreme than the original plan because they were going to have to cut him open (they couldn't get the catheter in). i anxiously waited. but 30 minutes later, they called again. and when they opened him, they found his bladder tissue was bad. precancerous bad. and that there was very little good tissue left. they said it was hard/impossible for his bladder to contract and that there wasn't anything they could do. julie and i rushed over to say goodbye and put him down. we showed up at the vet, and horrifically, he was still open on the table. they showed me his bladder, the bad tissue, the stones. things i didn't want to see and things i didn't want to remember. i broke. i'd already broken, but i broke more. they closed him and i held his paw and pet his head while saying a tearful goodbye. and he was gone.

it's been a week now. i have regrets: i wish i'd gone on wednesday to see him, i wish i'd had a proper goodbye. i miss him, i wish i'd visited more. but i also know this: that the vet treated him incredibly well, and kept him more comfortable than i could. that we had a blissful year in korea. that he was my best friend. that he got me, and i was his human. that he loved me and i loved him. i'm glad he didn't get sick while i was at my test. i'm glad he didn't come home and die a few days later. i'm glad he was mine for a while.

now: my apartment is empty, and lonely, and cave-like. i still cry every day, especially when i'm "home" a place that doesn't feel like home. i know he was so quirky and special and that having him for a year was a blessing. i miss him, i miss him. he cuddling, his following, his rolling, his meowing.

in between: we lost a great woman, Grandma Swartz left earth and went to heaven surrounded by angels. her hugs and personality and happiness are and will be greatly missed. i've been applying to grad schools and deadlines have come and gone. anxiously awaiting letters to be sent in (through prodding and persistent emails and facebook messages). staci made thanksgiving dinner (the only time i left bed all weekend). i had a 4am skype session for bridesmaid dress shopping for erk's wedding.

now: one app is finished, and three more are close. it snowed on the first of december. people have offered their furry friends for visits and cuddles.

and i realize: even though i didn't feel thankful or grateful on thanksgiving (the day i lost Nim) or the days after. i'm realizing it was the grief and the loss taking over and that i am so grateful for so many things (obviously). and i'm so thankful that i had baby. and i'm so thankful now that i have friends, family, and a faithful God to pull me back out of the darkness. thank you for the messages of support and strength and prayer and thoughts.

this morning: i was out at the bus stop at 7:20 and our bus didn't show up. we hopped on another bus that goes a different, longer, slower way through the countryside. we didn't make it to the next stop. the bus got stuck going down an icy hill. we waited on the bus for 20 minutes while we slid one way and then the other. i thought we might tip over or slid into another car. the bus driver made some calls and had us walk down the slippery hill to the next bus stop. he and his friends poured dirt and sand to counter the ice. the bus slowly limped down the hill and picked us up again. we got to school at 9:20. it was a long, icy trip to school.

so the worst weeks don't seem to be over yet. but slowly, we're getting to school and getting my apps in. and slowly, things are getting better.

missing you, nim kitty.

taking the gre in seoul

before i talk about how awful everything has been recently and surrounding the test, i wanted to write about the test itself.

i registered for the test back in august and signed up for the test site in seoul. apparently, it's quite common for koreans and foreigners to take the test here because many want to attend graduate schools in america. the test was scheduled for a 10am start, and because it takes me approximately two hours to get from sinchang to seoul, dad was kind enough to book a hotel for me close to the center.

so on a friday after school, i walked downtown, got a latte, and got on the slow train to seoul. at seoul station i transferred to the subway for two stops and got off near my hotel. i had printed directions, but the route i was supposed to take was blocked by construction. i found a way around it and easily found the fulbright center where i'd be testing the next morning. finding my hotel from there was also easy. it was a swanky place. with revolving doors, and a valet, and marble everything, and clacking heels. i walked in with my back pack and tennis shoes and alaska crewneck. i guess i couldn't press the elevator button myself because there was someone there to do that too. the room had an amazing view of the street below and the lights and the cars passing. i ate dinner in my room and took a long shower and ate the lucky chocolate my co-teachers had surprised me with (i couldn't share with anyone, it's bad luck, i wasn't complaining). i lounged in bed, watching the matrix and men's volleyball on tv, and reviewing vocab.

the next morning i woke up to rain and the sound of traffic. i got dressed and repacked and took the elevator back down. i returned my key and checked my backpack because i couldn't take my cell phone into the test center. i ate a healthy meal of mcdonalds and a latte for breakfast and walked through the rain to the center.

i was super early, but i had to be shown to my "G" room because it was in the basement in the back, back, back corner of the building. i was number 4 to go in and begin the test. there were soundproof headphones, which i was the only one to wear (i thought that strange, but i didn't want to hear other people clicking, it helps me center). i plowed through the odd hours of the test and came out a victor on the other side. i got my unofficial scores, sent them to four schools, and had to wait for my essay score. (i just got that yesterday, also good!)

i then took the subway one stop to a transfer, went the wrong way, had to turn around, eventually ended up in sinchon. i met meg for some coffee and we waiting for my co-teachers to show up (we met them at on the border for celebratory mexican, because they were in seoul for the wedding of two teachers at our school).

all-in-all, everything went smoothly. God was there, calming me, soothing me. i felt confident and sure. despite the horrors of the week before and the week after, in that moment, i was feeling good. which i am so grateful for, because in the face of it all, it could've been a complete disaster. but i made it, alone, and with Him.

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*i missed the days when M and i would drive each other to our big tests and wait. i missed not having to worry about transportation or where i was going to put my phone. i missed having something there to mitigate my worries and my fears. i missed knowing i had someone waiting for me on the other side. but in Seoul, i was alone. before, and after. but it made me more reliant on his calming presence and my prayers were fervent the entire time. so thankful.