the ladies and my cloud

m encouraged me to explore this area that i have definitely felt a lot of feelings about, but never actually tried putting into words: the women in my life, the ladies that keep me constant, my cloud of witnesses. she was first inspired by a blog by sarah bessey and she in turn, shared it with me. i will attempt to put my thoughts and feelings into tangible expressions of my gratefulness, but i don't think i'll be able to accomplish it as thoroughly as i feel it.

i've needed my mom. constantly. like i've never needed her before. i've needed her to pray for me, to kakao me, to email me, to talk to me on the phone, to skype me. i've needed her reassurance that everything will eventually right itself, i needed her words when she told me i'd be okay when i lost nim. i needed her support in preparing myself for the gre in times of extreme stress. i needed her care packages that she has been diligently sending and surprising me with. these constant reminders of her love and willingness has been what i needed.

i've needed julie, my co-teacher. to tell me when i'm being an idiot. to help me fix things when everything goes wrong. i needed her tough love to get through the past month. i needed her there when i had to make huge decisions about nim, and when i had to decide to put him down. i needed her to go to movies with me so i could sit in a dark room and just cry. i needed to know she was there to help if i needed it.

i've needed my other co-teachers. to laugh with me each day. to help me with my internet, and phone, and banking. i've needed people to hug me, and they've been close.

i've needed staci. to get me out of my apartment, to the gym, to the store, to seoul. i've needed her to let me stay in her apartment for the day, even when she isn't there, and hang out with her dog little B. i've needed to escape my apartment that doesn't feel like home anymore and she lets me escape to hers. she is always willing to help, she is always willing to show up, she is always willing to feed me. pumpkin pie. cheese balls. juevos rancheros. i've needed her to kick my butt, i've needed her to tell me the truth, i've needed her to be painfully honest.

i've needed jodi. to invite me to things. make me get out of sinchang. encourage me to keep going. her words of wisdom always hit home with me. and i need them a lot. she knew what i needed to hear and wasn't afraid to tell me. to understand me.

i've needed morgan. i've needed to email her, kakao her, talk to her. i've needed to hear her encouragement when i was feeling dark and she was lonely, too. i've needed to see that her emerald city isn't emerald all the time and that it isn't perfect and there are things missing there too. i've needed to see her work through school, church, small group, and learn to make time and save time and reserve time. i've needed to know she'll pray for me whenever and wherever i ask, even if it's late, or early, or she's doing homework. and i've needed to see that she's struggling too and that i'm not being left behind.

i've needed diana. to keep me updated on life at home. to watch shows at the same time as me. to be willing to watch sci-fi shows and obsess over them like i do. i've needed her to remind me about the beauty of alaska and the things we experienced there and that one day we'll be able to do it again. i've needed her to inspire me to explore again, as i try to curl up into my hermit cave in the midst of losing nim. and i needed her cut and dry advice for things i'm wishy-washy about.

i've needed hannah, leah, and jannessah. to diligently write me letters, cards, postcards every month. it's always a surprise and a delight and sometimes it makes me cry when i get their letters. because as much as i miss them, they miss me too. they share their joy and their defeats and even though time slows in letters, i feel like i'm with them, living with them, and i don't feel so far away.

the women around me are strong, and i'm grateful for that.
the women around me are patient, and i'm grateful for that.
the women around me are diligent, and i'm grateful for that.
the women around me are honest, and i'm grateful for that.
the women around me are willing, and i'm most grateful for that.

thank you lord for surrounding me with women such as these, who are my cloud and  constant source of encouragement and persistence and truth.