A season of dependence

First, a message from Fievel: .l/l o;UG/ij ====er67op055

And now a message from me: 

A season of dependence

I think I’m a bit less adventurous now that I’m on a grand adventure. Before, I had a whole list of things I wanted to do, and now that I’m here I’m almost scared to try them. Now that I’ve taken the big leap, am I less willing to make the small effort or take the small steps? Have I grown too comfortable already? Am I being too passive? Now that I’m “independent” (because this was all about independence), I’m more dependent on others to help me. Do I need to redefine my preconceived notion of what “independence” meant while in the States? Does it mean being on my own? Alone? Willing to try? Willing to make mistakes? Going out on a limb? Doing it myself? Being able to admit defeat and ask for help? Jumping off the cliff? Acting on impulse? Doing? Seeking out others? Being able to help others in return? Living alone? Traveling alone? Having self-control? Self-respect?

While I may think I am unqualified, I am much more capable than I think. I'm learning to not underestimate myself (That's a double negative, so... estimate myself? What?) – I didn’t think I’d be able to get to Seoul on my own (or back..), go to the grocery store, catch the bus, or figure out subway times. Looking back, I seem to have largely underestimated my ability to function as a human being in a civilized society (sometimes I don’t know what I was thinking when I doubted myself, but sometimes I don’t know what I’m thinking when I don’t).

Independence could mean breaking free from the box, the mold we’ve been told to cast ourselves into. It could mean to get rid of all prior convictions, expectations, outlooks, and rework them. It could mean embracing change, about living out your beliefs on your own.

It turns out this season of “independence” is actually a season of dependence. In my self-reliance and freedom, I am more and more vulnerable and needy. I can’t do it all on my own, I rely fully on God. As Bob Goff said, “Lean into dependence,” because it turns out to be a pretty humbling experience.

I’m not doing this on my own. God is big. God is big enough.