learning

summer has been a blur of lunches outside, days by the lake, happy hour on patios, working sometimes, classes sometimes, being inside as little as possible.

i finished three summer institute classes - intro to gis (geographic information systems), how to make cool maps of data; ethics of vaccines, when can we make choices for the public and when is it appropriate to trust the public to make the right decisions; and planning for urgent threats, having a plan for when basically everything could go wrong in a disaster situation.

i love this. this time of learning and exploring. this time when i soak it all in and gobble it all up. this time when everyone around me is invested in their education and all we want to do is know everything and see everything and experience everything. i'd forgotten how much i love learning and being surrounded by people who also love learning - especially when they want to learn the same things and we all learn together in the same direction.

but i also love being around people who are learning in different ways. i love being around people who aren't sure and their exploring is different. like people who have just moved home or have just started something new or are trying to figure out how to spend the rest of their days here. i love getting coffee and catching up with these people, wishing there was more time to wander and explore with these people, wishing i could learn alongside these people. realizing how much of the same ground you've covered with these people. and seeing the beautiful, tangible, glowing things they bring to the friendship - especially when what they're learning is in a different direction.

there's something brilliant and lovely when there are many methods of learning and many ways of sharing it with others. like time, or notes, or stories, or pictures, or over coffee.

half an epidemiologist

this seems to be a trend - losing track of time, filling every second, forgetting to blog. in korea, blogging was a release for me, putting things and feelings and emotions and experiences into words, taking the time to reflect on everything. and now i'm already done with my first year of grad school and i'm half an epidemiologist and time. just. flew. 

since february: i flew to chicago for a girls weekend, i turned twenty-five, we road-tripped through michigan to the lake for spring break, i found oberon release day parties in mpls, we danced to judah & the lion, morg came for a visit, my master's project development started, we celebrated birthdays, we went to the conservatory for some green, we spent earth day at the zoo, we went to a twins game, and i got a new job - and all of this was squeezed between my 15 credit hours, 10 hours of internship, and 20 hours of work at the coffee shop. i am most successful when i fit things in, when everything joins together, when it doesn't seem like there's enough time. 

and now, heading into summer - we celebrated being almost master's by camping and hiking and exploring duluth. we spent time on the edge of cliffs, along lake superior, and wandering rooms of a spooky mansion. we made s'mores around campfires on cold nights. and we slept soundly and contentedly like sardines. 

looking forward - to working at the food protection and defense institute writing case studies about heat waves, droughts, and floods. discovering the cascading impacts of the disasters and the effect they have on the global economy or food supply. taking classes on GIS, emergency management, and vaccines. already spending every free moment outside by the lakes being in the sun. 

i've begun to realize how much i miss korea. the freedom, the mountains, the food. i miss traveling hours by myself on trains, rendezvousing in seoul on busy side streets eating grilled cheese and drinking green juices. i miss the bustle of the big, big city. i miss the quiet of the countryside and the rice paddies. i miss having a roof to nap on. i miss the kids, and my co-teachers, and my friends. i do miss it. i didn't love it, not while i was there, and not as i look back on it - but i loved what it gave me: freedom, courage, strength. i loved that i was brave. i loved that i was bold. i loved that i was different. 

i'm making an effort to be bold again, to go to the lakes, to go to traverse city, to see the people i haven't seen, to be wild. i'm trying to be uncomfortable, independent, and adventurous. to be open and free and willing. to work on cultivating peace and being content and exploring the corners of where i am now. i'm trying to be amazed again. like i was in korea. by grocery stores, and trains, and mountains, and green, and asia, and kimchi. 

and i realize i am amazed, here. by the people - how they think, how they experience, how the see things differently. how they feel. how they are. the people here are what amaze me, the people i study alongside are really, really cool. they're adventurous, and they've traveled the world, and they love infectious diseases, and they want to do really public health-y things. they've come from all over, but they all meet me here and share with me here. and i am impressed by them. and i look forward to another year with them.

to a summer of weekends in the woods, in yurts, in tents, around fires. to days in classrooms, in cubicles, in the field. to pushing ourselves and stretching ourselves and growing ourselves and learning ourselves. to everyone doing really amazing things this summer. 

february

it's been two months.

in those two months: spontaneous trip to colorado, finals, road trip to chi and then home, blissfully busy weeks in michi, back to mpls, working week, school started again, and now we're three weeks deep.

this semester: 15 credit hours, internship, working, training for a marathon (?), saturday classes, trying to keep up. i find that i'm most successful when i think i'm in over my head. when i think i'm going to fall behind, when i think i'm going to get lost in the madness, when i don't save time for simple things - but make time for them.

what these first few weeks have taught me: there's something really pleasant about going to bed early and waking up early and rushing to the coffee shop to open for the day. i like starting my days there - with coffee, and mostly happy people, and the bustle of service. people like it when i give them coffee early in the morning. i'm remembering that sundays are sacred. for rest, and community, and catching up. i'm realizing friday nights are my favorite. the most reckless - like dinner parties, and birthdays, and korean drama and disaster movie marathons. and that spending time (outside) with friends is the most important.

where to now: planning more road trips, cheap flights to chicago, spring break along the shores of lake superior, summer time, and weddings (!!)

whirlwind

the month of november has been a blur.

i worked almost 24 hours in a weekend (between friday, saturday, and sunday).
i had two big exams on the same day the following week and spent monday, tuesday, and wednesday studying.
i had a good friend fly in the night of the two big exams and we played all weekend.
and then everything caught up to me, and i was couch-ridden for a few days last week (luckily it was a slow week because the last few weeks haven't been).

and now this weekend was pleasantly normal. with brunches, and trips to mall of america, and relaxing evenings with friends, with late mornings, and thoughtful salads, and now a long afternoon at canteen studying for my exam tomorrow on infectious diseases.

and: i find myself craving a real job. an 8-5, monday to friday job. a job that doesn't involve exams and homework. a job that doesn't overlap with my weekends, or at least has a consistent schedule.

when in reality, i'm really just looking forward to my new classes next semester. when i start taking epidemiology and infectious disease, and climate change and global health. when in reality, i'm nervous about the next week and thanksgiving and not going home and nim's anniversary and tumbleweed's anniversary and a lot of things i'm going to have to struggle through.

but there are sweet things too, things i'm incredibly thankful for - like packages from korea, and brownie waffles sent from michi to minne (thanks, aunt char!), and working full days at the coffee shop, and writing papers on things that interest me, and the prospect of having time to sending letters, and overcast days, windy days, cold days, days with snow!

happy week of thanks, all.

changes

it's november. and my three month anniversary back in america. and today, i slowed down. and i think a lot of things hit me, overwhelmed me, and the weight of the upcoming week dawned on me. this last week was refreshing and full of understanding. a friend from korea was visiting his sister and made time for me four out of six days. and it was pleasant being reminded that i wasn't alone and that there were still people who understood me and korea and kimchi and the magic of mountains and exploring. i've been missing that - because i'm in a new place and school and people and everything is changing, and i've forgotten what it's like to slow down and talk about the two years in korea and traveling and seeing everything i could. i'd forgotten what it was like to look back instead of forward, to remember and reminisce, to stop planning for a bit and take time to look out the big windows and watch the rain (turned snow).

so i'm trying to savor things more. but also to be present, and to openly communicate, and to be honest. to not be afraid of what people might think of me, to always be myself, to be expressive, and to be lively and wild and hopeful.

to past and present change and being able to engage them both. to being open and free and willing. to showing up and being the best friend and person i can be.

duluth mystical

duluth is my magic place. i've been three times since moving to minneapolis and it's been a treat every time. the first was when we were driving back from montana and stopped for the night to see superior and to pretend to be in michigan. the second was when uncle dave was here and we drove up to gooseberry falls for the day. and the third was last weekend, camping with kath in a dense fog warning. it was windy and foggy and a little chilly, but was a wonderful welcome into fall. we met mark at a cafe and ate chili and pizzas, wandered around for the afternoon, pitched our tent and walked some trails, ate dinner at the brewery, and sat around the fire drinking beer shrouded in fog and surrounded by nurses who welcomed us into their fold. that night we built our own fire and slept early and long, woke up to more fog, and wandered jay cooke state park with a wild river and winding paths through tall, tall trees. there's something about this place that reminds me of a home and a place of sanctuary and safety and relief.

a friend asked me over coffee last week to describe my experience in korea in one ten-word sentence. the only thing i could come up with was 'it was interesting' and that in itself can't explain it. it was wonderful, yet incredibly lonely. it was wild, and incredible, and i met some amazing people, but i almost always missed home. i missed the woods, and camping, and was thrown into cities and millions of people and empty mountains. i tried foods i'd never heard of and missed mac and cheese and mashed potatoes and thanksgiving foods. i explored corners and met locals and made good friends at school. i walked everywhere or rode trains or rode buses. i slept on floors, in piles, on blankets. in the woods, in hostels, in pensions, rarely in hotels. i climbed mountains and stared at oceans and touched trees. i found a wonderful part of myself there. i grew into my adventurous self there. i love what i learned there. so no ten-word sentence could ever capture the depth of my experience there, the things i saw, the things i learned, the things i gleaned.

it was interesting and that's only the beginning.

#gradschool

i now have two weeks under my belt as a grad student in minnesota. i've been home from korea a little over a month. a lot has changed, not much has stayed the same. and i've kept myself busy. i'm worried about repatriation and adjusting again. i'm worried about getting into ruts and slowing down and running out of fuel. so for the last month i've been constantly moving.

i flew home and was up north to my lake as fast as i could be. i moved to minneapolis and jetted off to montana with marshall for a week. i had orientation and flew home for em's wedding in the backyard. we had our first week of classes and i headed to the woods for a weekend of crisis simulation. we've had another week and tomorrow, uncle david and mark come for a weekend of sportsing (twins and lions) and fall colors. i haven't stopped moving, and don't foresee doing so in the near future. and i'm not sure if it's a good or a bad thing.

i've read a lot of articles about moving home, returning stateside. i've read a lot of articles about missing things and people and lifestyles. i tried to prepare myself for the worst and for the best. so i think it's good that i'm in a new place with new people exploring new corners. but it's also hard, because i don't have people to rely on or old friends who know me well. there's always a reason to keep moving here.

but minnesota and grad school have been what i've needed. i needed the structure of classes and studying. i've needed the benefit of riding my bike to school most days. i've needed to go out of my comfortable box to befriend people. i've had to reroute and explore more. i've had to walk longer and accidentally get off bus stops too early. i've had to take the bus to the train to the plane for a weekend home. i've had to ask people for help and feel silly when i wander around lost.

as for classes, i've had biostats, and epi methods, and pathophysiology. we discuss issues in environmental and occupational health. i've attended global health seminars and have infectious disease socials penciled into my calendar.

this past weekend i participated in a humanitarian relief crisis simulation. we were in the woods of cannon falls on various ngo teams assessing needs and evaluating what could be fulfilled and asking for donations for future projects. it was a stretching weekend, a weekend of growth and learning and discomfort. it was a wild combination of stress, anxiety, excitement, understanding, and appreciation - just what i imagine a real-world criss situation would look like. i gained insight into the world of situation flow, leadership, cooperation, and working alongside strangers-turned-team in a constantly-changing environment. i am excited to now have an informational foundation for my pursuit of humanitarianism, and to have gleaned mountains of learning and growth from this course and to have one graduate credit under my belt. we networked with the cdc and the red cross and doctors without borders and the refugee committee, and we worked together to solve an incredible problem.  

i recently took up rock-climbing. recently, as in i've gone twice and haven't made it to the top yet. but there have been improvements and friendships and community made at the rec center. people who encourage and uplift and motivate me to push myself out of my comfort zone on the bouldering wall. allowing me to be afraid to fall, but to fall anyway. and after sore arms begin to heal, i'm ready to try again. 

and i think this is a reflection of my experience here in mn so far. i've been stretched and pulled and molded, again. i've been uncomfortable and unsettled. i've been surrounded by english speakers and still struggle to communicate and find commonalities. i don't have to fend for myself as often, but i do find myself relying on others more than i would like. i've been overwhelmed by the number of tomato soup options at the grocery store and the surplus of fresh vegetables and fruit (so much so, that i keep overbuying and can't eat them all). i've uprooted myself from the things that were comfortable in korea and in michigan and i've moved myself to a new spot, a new place to call home, a new corner to explore. i'm starting to form my fledgling roots here in this place with my avocado plant (who is still alive). so the initial painful shedding of excess and of the old comes again, as it always does when i'm uprooted. there's a bit of soreness in the exploring and wondering, because i know that somewhere else i could be comfortable and safe and stable. 

so here's to the next few weeks: of reaching the top of the purple path on the bouldering wall, trying all the bus routes successfully and unsuccessfully, meeting new people every day, being uncomfortable, meeting wonderful people and making wonderful friends, and riding my bike three out of four school days a week.